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Anecdotes about Stirlitz

I collected some anecdotes (short funny stories very popular in Russia) about Stirlitz on this page. Unfortunately, most stories about Stirlitz cannot be translated into English because they are puns like “Where do your forefathers come from?” — “I have only 1 father who comes from Ireland. Do you really have 4 fathers?!”.

On the 23rd of February (which is the Day of the Red Army in the Soviet Union) Stirlitz would put on his Red Army uniform cap and, having drunk a bottle of vodka, would sit down and play his accordion. But this time he headed for a Berlin rathskeller. He aligned the Gestapo policemen, who were having a good time there, made them march and sing Russian revolutionary songs. Only when he had gotten home he realized how close he had been to exposure on that day.

Drunken Stirlitz went out of a rathskeller, proposing to go to a brothel, but fell asleep with his face down into a puddle. Exactly in 15 minutes the experienced spy will wake up and continue his hard work, essential for Motherland.

There were 93 irons and three lamps on the windowsill. Stirlitz realized that the secret address had been exposed. Five irons were missing.

Stirlitz peeped into a hollow and saw gleaming eyes. “An eagle-owl”, he thought. “You are an eagle-owl yourself”, Borman thought.

A brick fell down on Stirlitz’s head. “There you are!”, the spy thought. “There you are not”, Borman thought, throwing another bigger brick.

Stirlitz went to the forest to collect mushrooms. He searched the entire forest, but found none. After long considerations, taking into account all the data available, he concluded that the season was wrong. He got up from the snowdrift and went home.

Stirlitz came up to the window and blew his nose into the curtain. No, it was not a prearranged signal, he just longed to feel Russian officer Colonel Isayev.

Borman dropped to Stirlitz’s and saw him very drunk surrounded by naked dancers and piles of bottles. A note was lying about on the floor. Borman picked it up and read: “Mission complete. Can relax. Center”.

Gestapo intercepted an encrypted message which read: “Justas, you asshole. Alex”. Only Stirlitz could figure out that he had been conferred the rank of the Hero of the Soviet Union.

“Congratulations upon your son’s birth”, a message from the Center read. Stirlitz even cried for joy: the brave spy had not been at home for twenty years.

Stirlitz thought. He liked it, and he thought again.

Stirlitz was lying on the floor, pretending to be a fag.

Stirlitz and Eismann were walking down the street. A shot was fired and Eismann fell down bleeding. Stirlitz walked another hundred yards and concluded that something was wrong there. He pricked up his ears.

Stirlitz’s house was besieged by an SS company. They knocked at the door. “I am not in, you geeks”, the standartenführer grumbled through the door. The soldiers left. That’s it, the talented Russian spy has twisted them round his finger again.

“It is nice to be part of the old boy network”, Stirlitz thought with relief, coming out of the German State Radio Department, admiring the license for his transceiver which was prolonged due to Schellenberg’s call. Stirlitz did not know that Schellenberg had gotten addicted to Russian vodka and knew that without his radio Stirlitz could not get it from the Center regularly. That is why he took the pains!

“Where did you learn to shoot so well?” Schellenberg asked Stirlitz. “In Moscow Military Academy”, Stirlitz rapped out and began to think if he had blurted out too much.

Stirlitz suddenly enters during a secret meeting in Hitler’s palace and without saying hello heads for the safe, opens it with his passkey and, ransacking it for five minutes, leaves with a pile of documents under his armpit. In a few minutes Hitler is able to speak again and he asks who it was. “Soviet spy Isayev, known as Stirlitz here”, carelessly answers Müller, working with his toothpick. “Why don't you arrest him?!” “No use, he would always get away”.

Driving on a highway, Stirlitz saw Müller who was trying to get a lift. Stirlitz nearly stopped but he thought: “I cannot give a lift to the Nazi hangman who killed hundreds of Soviet people, can I?”. After a while he saw him again. “I don't have to let this dirty double-dealing swine into my car, do I”, Stirlitz twisted his mouth and went on. Seeing Müller for the third time, he just thought, “Beltway”.

Some secret documents were missing form Hitler’s safe. Five days passed but they were not found. Finally Hitler sent a wire to Stalin: “Did your men take my dox?” On the same day Stirlitz got an encrypted message from the Center: “Justas, if you took documents from Comrade Hitler’s safe, please put them back at last, people worry.”

Passing by the Reich chancellery corridors, Stirlitz felt close looks and realized that he had been exposed. The only thing he could not understand was what had betrayed him. Probably, his Red Army tarpaulin boots or a pack of Russian cigarettes in his pocket. Maybe, his uniform cap with the red star. And maybe his Russian submachine-gun on his shoulder.

German generals are waiting in line to get their special ration in an underground shelter. Enter Stirlitz. He pushes everybody away and jumps the queue. The angry generals did not know that Heroes of the Soviet Union must be served out of turn.

Stirlitz launched Outlook Express and pressed Ctrl+M. “Exclusive informations about secret weapons of the Third Reich!!!!!!! Special ofers for Rusish residents. See details at www.intelligence.3r”.

“Spammers”, — thought Stirlitz.

Stirlitz wakes up in the morning and cannot understand where he is. He thinks: if he hears German spoken, his name is Stirlitz. If he hears Russian, he is Isayev. Suddenly he hears a voice which says: “Well, you drank too much yesterday, Mr. Tikhonov” (the name of the actor who starred the movie).

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